


Hold onto me, I'm a little unsteady

by bluroflights



Series: let me hold onto you [1]
Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, i suck at tags im sorry, post-season 3, these guys are seriously so cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21613870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: Izzie's life has never been easy. It's chaotic and messy and it always feels like the ground beneath her is about to give way. But Casey is good, and solid, and wonderful and not looking for easy. And for the first time, Izzie feels like she could fall and it would all be alright.
Relationships: Casey Gardner/Izzie
Series: let me hold onto you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582585
Comments: 16
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Update: I was rewatching the series and realized I got the timeline wrong. So, this story takes place post-season 3 as they're becoming second semester juniors!

Izzie couldn’t remember a time where things were really good between her parents. They’d always been on and off, hot and cold. One moment, her father and her mother would be getting along fine, even holding hands and kissing each other in a deliberate effort to make Izzie and her siblings gag. And the next, her mother would call another man her boyfriend and they’d be fighting and screaming and her father would storm out, leaving her to question how long it would be when he would come back. Sometimes, it was a few days. Sometimes, weeks. At the start of her spring semester of her freshman year at Clayton, her parents had yet another big blow out and her father had stormed out in classic dramatic fashion by announcing his departure: “Fine! Have it your way. See if you can manage without me! I’m leaving and you’ll never see me again!” Except this time, he was telling the truth – he didn’t come home. He didn’t say goodbye; he never called them; he never explained why. He just simply got up and left, as if he had no kids at all.

But he did. He had three children and another one on the way.

Four months and without the presence of her father, Izzie’s little sister, Lily, was born. Two months later and a month before the start of the school year, her mother returned to work. Izzie very vividly remembers her mother’s hesitation to leave her newborn but having already been through this process three other times, she relented. Izzie wishes, now more than ever, that she begged a little harder for her mother to stay because four hours into her shift, her mother was being strapped to a gurney and transported to the hospital. There had been an accident at work and her mother had broken her left leg. If her mother rested and kept up with her physical therapy, everything would’ve been back to normal in a couple months.

Except nothing really ever goes as planned.

Her mother had been prescribed opioids for the pain and was instructed to take it once every day for 30 days. 30 days later, her leg was healed and just about back to full function, but she was still complaining of pain. She was then given a prescription for a slightly less potent but still highly effective opioid and instructed to take one every day for the next couple of weeks. And then the pain of her leg was replaced by the pain of her condition – being trapped as a mother for three children and a newborn with an absentee husband. Soon, she started taking more and more than was prescribed, falling wordlessly into addiction. One pill turned into one-and-a-half, then into two. She spent the days, the weeks between refills looking for other ways to dull the pain – alcohol, questionable pills bought off the street, or if she was really desperate, heroin. Eventually, her regular doctors stopped giving her prescriptions but she had found a doctor willing to give her what she needed no questions asked. As the days went by, she was more focused on getting high than going to work or being a parent.

Most of the time, though, things weren’t too bad, all things considered. Her mother would be locked in her room or out with a boyfriend. But other times, things just reached a boiling point of chaos. Her rotating list of shitty boyfriends would cause trouble or she would just get up and disappear to God only knows where, leaving Izzie handling _everything,_ as per usual.

Her mother would eventually come crawling back, unable to look her eldest daughter in the eyes, and promise, promise she’d get better, repent all her sins, and offer a million sorrys. The first time, Izzie had actually believed her mother’s words – they were quite compelling. The second time, Izzie really thought things would change – she would give her mother the benefit of the doubt. But now, she knew all of her mother’s words were empty promises.

So, at 15, Izzie became a parent to herself and her three siblings. She had always taken care of the kids but with the absence of both her father and mother, she became solely responsible for them; everything rested on her shoulders. Her mornings were spent packing lunches and getting the kids ready for school until her grandmother could come by to babysit Lily until Izzie got home. If she could, her grandmother would’ve taken all of them in a heartbeat but there was only so much an 80 year-old with a one bedroom apartment and a bad hip could do. But she helped out as much as she could. Her grandmother always made sure they had food on their table, that their bills were paid, and always made her home available when they needed it. And without a steady source of income, Izzie and her siblings were living off of savings and their grandmother’s generosity.

On most days, Izzie got home from school and track practice at around 5 and the chaos would start all over again. Kids needed to be fed (including herself), cleaned (including herself), and homework needed to be done (her own too). Taking care of the kids was overwhelming, to say the least – she barely had any time for herself and if she was lucky, slept for a good five hours – but she loved them to death. She didn’t want her siblings to grow up as fast as she had – they deserved a good childhood even if she didn’t have one. And hell would freeze over before Izzie would let them be thrown into the foster system and separated from one another. She vowed to give them as much of a sense of stability and normalcy in their lives as she could. They didn’t deserve such a shitty life. Maybe for some people life was a breeze, but not for her. Life had taught her it wasn’t easy. Izzie learned to be tough real quick – she had to be if she wanted to do all the things she wanted to do, and take care of her siblings, and deal with both her mother’s and her boyfriend’s bullshit. She learned to mask things with a smile and say yes through gritted teeth. Hard work wasn’t as foreign to her than to the rest of her schoolmates. She was at Clayton on scholarship and her status at a student depended on achieving honor roll and being the track team’s best runner. So she worked and worked and made sure she was perfect. She got straight-As; she broke almost all of Clayton’s records; she became the youngest team captain as a sophomore; she was part of the popular crowd; her boyfriend was the school heartthrob; and everybody was envious of perfect Izzie. She put on a fake smile and trudged along. Clayton could get her to places – places far away from her shit town and her shit mother and reminders of her shit absentee father and her shit circumstances. She had to make sure things seemed perfect or else she (and the rest of the world) would realize how much her life was actually falling apart at the seams. And if that happened, she’d be stuck, like her mother, forever.

Things hadn’t always been like this. Her mother wasn’t always an addict; her father had stayed; her days after school hadn’t always been spent parenting her siblings; she didn’t always wake up exhausted and more tired than the day before; her life wasn’t always filled with chaos. She had known stillness and stability before – she had _had_ it. Her family had been perfect. But now, everything was shaky. A single misstep could derail everything Izzie had built and worked so hard for. And when Coach told her that Casey Gardner, record-breaker and state all-star, would join Clayton as their newest runner come next semester, Izzie felt the ground beneath her tremor. So, on Newton’s first day, Izzie lashed out. And a for a moment, the ground stilled. It felt stable. Izzie _needed_ this – she needed Clayton and all the prestige and opportunities that came with it. Who was this new girl to just strut in and take her place?! If there was one thing Izzie had complete faith in, it was her ability to overcome – she had already done so, so many times. She was ready for a fight. And just when things began looking like it was in her favor, the ground beneath her shook again: Coach Crowley forced Izzie and her nemesis to work things out. 

And they did.

Izzie’s never connected with anyone so fast. Casey understood her in a way nobody else at Clayton could; she just understood the language she was speaking. Being in that room with Newton felt like finally reaching the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

Izzie regained her footing.

After that day, they spent every moment of free time they could with each other – in person, through text, on the phone. She felt safe around Casey – and her family. So much so that Casey’s home became her second home. Izzie was never one to talk about her personal life but was able to confide in Casey in a way she never was able to with others. She couldn’t understand why.

She had been angry, defensive, and quick to jump the gun with Casey. And who could blame her – she had to protect herself. But much to her surprise, Casey was quick to understand and received her with empathy and compassion. She was grateful that Casey didn’t harbor any lasting grudges. But maybe it was because she felt that connection too.

Whenever she was with the other girl, Izzie felt like she could breathe again. Now, that she had a taste, she yearned for that first feeling of light, of sunshine, of seeing clear blue sky. And without fail, Casey delivered. The girl was all vibrant, passionate light, with the promise of adventure. She wanted to spend every waking moment with her and wished every moment lasted longer than it did. _Just five more minutes._

But eventually, night came and things were dark again. Izzie may have had found her way out of the tunnel but she was still lost, walking aimlessly for safety. Night meant Izzie would have to go back home. Back to the chaos. Back to the responsibilities. Back to reality.

This time, however, things didn’t feel as hard. The weight on her shoulders lightened and she was able to stand a little bit straighter. The ground beneath her felt a little more solid. The thought of being able to see her best friend the next day and spending time with her kept her going. Casey made things bearable. In a matter of a few months, her life had been flipped 180 degrees. Her smile felt like hers again. And somewhere between building forts and slurpee nights, Izzie found herself in freefall. It wasn’t as chaotic as she thought it would be, as all the books and movies and tv shows said it was. She knew what chaos was and this wasn’t it. She wondered whether this was what flying felt like.

But as always, moments don’t last and happiness fades for something darker – sadness, anger, shame, jealousy.

Her mother hadn’t been home all weekend before Izzie realized she was missing. At first, Izzie was sure things would play out like they always did: she’d be found or come crawling back with a meaningless apology ready on her tongue. Except things felt off kilter to Izzie – something was wrong but she just couldn’t place what it was. Regardless of her questionable activities, her mom always came home. And when she disappeared, it would be for a day and a half, max. Being gone for an entire weekend was not like her at all. Something had to be wrong. Her suspicions were confirmed when a phone call interrupted her morning. It was a hospital, many towns away, informing her that her mother had overdosed.

Panic set in. The possibility of losing her mother made her clutch onto the back of the couch to keep herself from crumbling. In a matter of seconds, the full weight of all the pressure she’d allowed herself to let go of came crashing back down onto her. Even with all the shit her mother had put her through, she was still her mother. And she hadn’t always been like this. Things had been good before. She still had so many vivid and fond memories of her and her mother. She had already lost a father – losing her mother, even with all the baggage, would be too much. But more than that, losing her mother would solidify Izzie’s parental role. Taking care of the kids now was hard enough. If she was the only thing her siblings had, she would have to give up so much more. And worse, the possibility of being separated from her siblings loomed over her. They would be thrown into the foster system and their entire lives would be uprooted, possibly scattered throughout the country – she couldn’t let that happen! But how would she, a teenage girl, stop it?

And then the nurse on the other end informed her that her mother was brought back – she was fine – and they’d been trying to identify her for two days.

All of that panic transformed to rage and all Izzie could see was red. Her mother’s selfishness knew no bounds. Did she not even think about her kids?!

And then to make matters worse, Casey knocked on her door, finding Izzie squarely in a state of pure chaos. As soon as she saw the taller girl’s face, she was thrust back into this other world she’d allowed herself to be a part of, one full of light and hope and freedom. Part of her wanted to take Casey’s hand and run away with her to the edges of the Earth, and fall. But the other part was filled with shame and sadness and it took hold of her in a vice grip. No matter how much she wanted her, how could Izzie pull Casey into her world? How selfish would that make her? She couldn’t be her mother. She wouldn’t.

So, she shut her out.

There was too much going on and she didn’t have the emotional capacity to be pulled back into that other world. Having Casey around would only make her soft and give her permission to release all of the bottled emotions, stress, and tension held in her small frame… and she’d fall. And Izzie knew Casey would catch her. She couldn’t deal with any of that. Right now, she needed to be tough and singularly focused on making sure the kids were okay.

So, she clenched her jaw, tensed her shoulders, rolled up her sleeves, put on a brave face, and took care of things. Like she always did.

But something didn’t feel right. She couldn’t shut out the emotions and thoughts like she usually could – she had given them too much leeway. They took advantage of her naiveté. Give ‘em and inch and they’ll take a mile.

Except Izzie was fast. She caught them before they could flood her system and ruin all of the hard work she’d done. But this time, locking them away wasn’t going to solve anything. She was in a tornado of emotions and one thing had to give. So, after she got the kids settled at their grandma’s, she walked over to Casey’s, with an apology at the ready. But unlike her mother, Izzie was honest. Before she knew it, she was confessing all her feelings that she’d kept inside for so long. 

Izzie could deal with her mother, could even deal with the aftermath of her death. She could deal with holding things together at home even if it meant putting her life on hold to take care of her siblings. What she could not deal with, however, was losing Casey – the only person in the world that made her feel safe and stable and _loved_. And when you love somebody, you’re honest with them. What Izzie never foreshadowed was that honesty being met with so much hostility. But there Casey was, refusing to look Izzie in the eyes, sleeping on the floor, avoiding being in the same room as her, making out with her boyfriend in front of her – running away. She had put herself out there and Casey had chosen to give her the silent treatment. Like a child.

That was the last straw – Izzie could not take it anymore. All her walls, everything that she built, started to crumble, threatening to pile on top of her. She was tough but not that tough. She could see cracks start to form underneath her too. Suddenly, there was no room to process, no room to fight against what was happening, and no room to run away or move forward. She was stuck, the Earth waiting with a smirk on her face to swallow her whole and leave only a sliver of herself – it would be enough to keep her alive and go with the motions but never enough to pull herself back together.

She had held everything in for so long, holding the pieces of her world together with nothing more than sheer stubbornness and will. But everything was coming apart now and it became a matter of _if,_ not when, she was going to fall. She couldn’t hold herself up anymore. It was now or never.

So, she yelled out and let all the bottled emotions go in a moment of pure, utter desperation. And that’s when everything changed. Life turned upside down, but in the best way possible.


	2. Chapter 2

For Izzie and Casey, change always happened exponentially and all at once. It happened when they were forced to make amends in Coach Crowley’s office; it happened when Izzie confessed her feelings; and it happened when Casey kissed Izzie for the first time.

It took them a while to adjust into their new reality – there were definitely growing pains (most of which was Izzie’s fault) but they eventually got to a steady rhythm. Life wasn’t easy and neither was Izzie, but Casey wasn’t looking for easy.

The new school year was looming and in five days, Izzie and Casey would be second semester juniors. Things were getting more and more serious – grades were more important, and run-times were more crucial than ever to recruiters – which meant for Izzie, things were even more tense and stressful. But Casey, wonderful, solid, _good_ Casey, stood squarely by her side. She stuck around even at her most intense breaking points when she lashed out instinctively, cutting anyone down in her path (sometimes, that meant Casey); when life threatened to push her over the edge and tears became the only way she could speak; when she desperately needed to be distracted from the chaos and to be touched – pinning the taller girl against walls and doors and counters and beds and crashing more than just their lips together; when she needed a place to stay and someone to show her that she was loved, Casey was there. Izzie had never had that before; she’d only ever had herself. No one in her life showed up for her the way that Casey did.

It took her a while to feel comfortable with relying on someone else, but Casey was patient and never once wavered in her affection for Izzie. Sometimes, Izzie was afraid that her seemingly hot-and-cold demeanor would frighten the other girl off, but no, Casey was still by her side. It was… nice. Truly, unbelievably nice. Izzie had found her _person._ And no matter what happened, she knew Casey would be the one to stay.

Things were getting serious with Casey too. Four months into their relationship and she still didn’t quite understand why Casey was still with her or how she could put up with her – Izzie knew she was a lot to handle – but she counted all of her lucky stars that Casey still chose to stand by her side. And Izzie vowed to be by hers.

So, Izzie trained and practiced with Casey to help her get into UCLA (even if Izzie wasn’t able to go) and pushed her when the other girl was feeling extra lazy or tempted a little too much by mozzarella sticks, and caught her when she exhausted herself too far. Izzie changed her own diet and followed the same regimen Casey was on, making sure to cut out junk foods and eat more vegetables to show Casey that she wouldn’t have to go through it alone. Izzie helped her with Sam when he was unable to cope with change and when he was feeling overwhelmed and anxious and scared. Izzie held her back and in her arms when Casey got into fights with her mom or when someone said something disgusting. To the best of her ability, Izzie tried to show Casey how much she wanted her, how much she loved her, and that she would show up for Casey just as much as Casey showed up for her.

But there was still one thing that Izzie hadn’t done: introduce her siblings and Casey to each other.

How could she? They were two separate worlds – one was chaotic and the other was solid. Opposites may attract but when they do, they usually cause a huge explosion, which was something Izzie definitely could not handle. If her siblings or her grandma didn’t approve of Casey and their relationship, she would crumble into dust. If Casey met her family and finally came face-to-face with all of the chaos, saw what a mess Izzie really was and left, Izzie would shatter into a million pieces.

She knew that Casey was solid and wonderful and _good,_ and she knew that her family loved her and only wanted her to be happy, but still, she couldn’t risk things falling apart. As chaotic as things may be, Izzie’s system of compartmentalizing her two worlds worked for her – it allowed her to do what she had to do.

Or at least that’s why she told herself. In truth, she was scared. Utterly, desperately scared.

-

“Izzie, honey, when do you think you’ll be home tonight?” Her grandmother hobbled her way out of her kitchen, drying her hands on a dish towel. She propped herself against the archway, watching Izzie as she prepared to leave.

“Um, I don’t know Grandma. Maybe like 5? I’m training again but I’ll be home before dinner. ” Izzie slung her light blue backpack over one shoulder and bent down to tie her shoes.

“Don’t work yourself too hard, dear.”

“Yes, grandma.” Despite her eyeroll, it felt nice to have someone look out for her. Without her grandmother, Izzie wouldn’t know what to do. Izzie would’ve been all alone to parent her siblings.

“You’ve been doing a lot of training with this friend lately. Does she have a name?” The tone in her voice was light and playful but Izzie felt like she was being trapped against a wall.

Izzie coughed, “”Wh-what?”

Her grandmother gave her a smile. “I just want to know who you’re spending so much time with. Just in case.”

Izzie’s heart was racing. _Did she know? What would she say if she knew? Would she accept her relationship?_ “We’re just training, Grandma.”

“I know, sweetie.” She stepped out onto the dining room and towards the front door where Izzie stood. “You’ve been through much babygirl, more than someone your age should go through. There hasn’t been a real smile on your face in a while but you’ve been so happy lately and I just want to know which friend of yours I should thank.”

“Um, I-“ Izzie stammered. _Was her grandmother just asking an innocent question or did she know?_ _Was this a test?_ “H-Her name is Casey.”

“Then tell Casey I say thank you.” She turned and headed back to the kitchen. “And don’t work yourself too hard!”

Izzie was out of there the moment her grandmother turned around. She stood outside the door in a quiet panic.

_Oh God, she knows._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! It's been quite a while (4 or 5 years, I think) since I've written fanfiction and being back is a little bit scary, but coming back to my roots feels nice. It's been hard for me to start writing once I have an idea and I thought that by writing fanfiction - something just for fun - it could take the daunting pressure off. Anyways, I have no idea where this fic is going or how long it's going to be but I hope you choose to come on the adventure with me! I've never been good at scheduled postings and am currently busy with school and work but I'll try and update as frequently as I can. And when it feels like the story is over or if I get too busy, I'll do my best to give you all a full, satisfying ending. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. :)
> 
> Update: I've decided to conclude this fic but continue it as a series, with every new story flipping between Izzie's and Casey's perspectives on their relationship. New story coming soon - stay tuned!


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